Why my “good enough” was never actually good enough

” Hey, I think it’s best we go our separate ways. I know you desire someone who can lead you spiritually and I respect that, but I can’t do it… I’m not your husband.” 

My heart dropped. My boyfriend of 5 years, who I was absolutely certain was going to be my husband some day soon, decided he wasn’t the one for me and broke up with me over a text message. I was crushed and even though I had prayed intensely a few days before the breakup:

“God, if he isn’t the one you have for me, please show me. I’m so confused. I don’t want to break up with him. I won’t be able to do it. So if you could have him break up with me that would be better. -Amen”

It still stung. My prayer was answered. He wasn’t the one for me… but why?…You see, things had changed drastically over the course of our 5 year relationship. We both were no longer in high school, my boyfriend had moved away to college and I stayed behind in our hometown, but the biggest change of all was that I had just recently given my life to Christ. I had experienced a radical life change and I was certain that I no longer wanted to lead the same life I had been living, I was ready and willing to leave any and everything behind that wasn’t pleasing to God, everything except my boyfriend. As I began growing in my walk with Christ it started becoming more evident to me that my boyfriend and I were not heading in the same direction and the ‘peace’ that I once had in my heart about our relationship slowly began to disintegrate, but I did a really awesome job of ignoring that fact. My boyfriend grew up in church and would attend faithfully every Sunday (even while he was away at college)  he was open to the idea of giving, serving and being discipled by older men, and so that was good enough…right? Wrong! I started to realize the importance of being more than just open to the idea and after many nights of me trying to explain to him why he needed those things as a believer and begging God to change his heart, there was still never any sincere desire or growth.

So something had to give.
I knew what was coming, I spent many days and nights in prayer asking God to do something big in his heart so we could somehow avoid it, but God knew more and had more and so after many tears, fights and inspiring speeches from me on how it was so important that he “rose up and became the man of God he was called to be,” our relationship came to an end. I had fought so hard to stay in a relationship God never intended for me to be in. I didn’t understand it all at the time and there were many days I felt anger and disappointment. Some days I was able to stand and say with confidence “God I trust You and I know that You are good, You are for me and Your plan is always good.” And then there were dark days where it was the complete opposite, I wouldn’t stand at all, in fact I would lay in bed all day in my dark apartment just certain that there were no Godly men out there for me and that I would spend the rest of my days lonely. I won’t lie. It wasn’t easy, I spent the next couple of years going back in forth in my heart and my mind between that truth and that lie. I wish that I could say I trusted God completely with my heart during my years of singleness, but that is not the truth. I allowed the fear of being alone to take me into some very dark places and drive me into unhealthy relationships. My hearts desire was for a man who could lead and love me well and I believed it was my call of duty to seek him out.
 
Eventually I got tired. Tired of seeking, tired of chasing, tired of coming up empty and four years later, after that horrible breakup that sent me spiraling out of control, I decided I was ready to stop running. I surrendered my heart to God and this time I meant it, I saw all that the world had to offer. I had given my all to dead-end relationships and men who had no desire to be like Christ and I had nothing left. I told God I was content with being single, I needed to heal and the next time I would be in a relationship would be with a man who sincerely loved Him, and had a sincere to desire to lead me well. I desired a relationship that would glorify God and this time I wasn’t settling for anything less. Just a few months later I met my Husband. 

-He was actively giving and serving in our Church
-He loved God deeply and was living a life of surrender to Him
-He was discipling and leading other men through prayer and the word
-and he liked me <img class="emoji" draggable="false" src="https://s0.wp.com/wp-content/mu-plugins/wpcom-smileys/twemoji/2/svg/1f642.svg" alt="

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